You promise?

Really?

OK, fine.  Here's what I'm planning:

1.  First and foremost, I'm going to have to fake my own death.  Quite obvious, really.  Come on, these so-called 'adventurers' (read 'Murderers') have killed some of my most trusted servants!  Kel'Thuzad, man, he went down a while back.  Made me sad, as he was quite the pro at backrubs...   I'm getting off topic.  Anyway, these 12million people are going to catch up to me at some point.  So I'll let them.  They'll come in, we'll spar a bit (of course it will look like they are beating me.  HA!), and then I will 'die'.  Notice the quotations?  Yes, I will indeed 'die'.  I'll make some long speech, detailing how I can't believe you just did that, this can't be happening, I regret this, blah blah blah.  Then I'll 'die' (see those quotations?  Yeah, that's right!), they get their loot, All My Base Belong To Them and all that.  Of course, I'll sneak out while they are rolling their dice (a system I still can't quite fathom.  Seriously, why share?  Just take everything for yourself and leave).  Seems dastardly, does it not?  Just wait, it gets better!

2.  Now that The Lich King is 'dead', I will be a bit inconspicuous (of course, I've taken off all that armor, hid Frostmourne, got a tan, and just TRY to stop raising things from the dead.  I seriously have got to stop taking the detour past the graveyard...).  Now I have to go get a job at their headquarters, that place the call 'Blizzard' (these guys are quite obviously stupid.  The building doesn't look ANYTHING like snow).  After I get a job there, I quickly learn what it is they do there, while rising in ranks to the top due to some very stealthy and non-suspicious assassinations using undead things.  Once I have reached the pinnacle and command the forces of 'Blizzard', I will enact the next stage of my plan: the new 'Expansion' (another thing I don't quite get.  An expansion of what?  All I know is those 12 million people that 'killed' me use it a lot, so what better way to corrupt them and mess with their minds?).

The next expansion will be fantastic!  New quests, new areas to explore, new things to kill!  Players will have the ability to hit level 90, and best of all: A new nemesis!  A nuclear weapon hits Elwynn Forest, and Hogger is infected!  He grows to supersize, and takes the world hostage!  Travel into his domain, and take out this giant gnoll once and for all!  In case you can't tell, that last part was typed out by an underling, who I then had to promptly, uh, 'remove'.  Yes, that's it.  All I understand about that is this 'level' thing is a big deal, and to get to 'level 90' these 'players' have to do quests.  So what better thing to do than sabotage them?  I will make it IMPOSSIBLE for these 'players' to get to 'level 90'.  This will be achieved by messing with these quests they must do.

3.  The quests will be simple:  Go kill this this many times.  Here is the fun part:  No matter where you get it, who you get it from, or which god you pray to, you will always have the same quest:  Kill 50 murlocs and retrieve their brains for the apothecary.  Seems too easy?  First off, these are MURLOCS.  Evil beings with 'low drop rates' (this was easy to explain:  Basically, murlocs don't have brains.  In retrospect, it is not too surprising is it?).  Now, while 'players' may be able to muscle through that, I don't want this to just take an ungodly amount of time.  I want this to be painful.  I want it to make them depressed.  I WANT THEM TO SUFFER!  MUAHAHAHAHa.... *ahem* Sorry, I got a bit carried away.  Anyway. the catch is that the murlocs are nearly extinct, with only 15 left alive.  That's right. 15.  Now of course, they reproduce fast, so there will always be a few alive.  But can you imagine the fighting!?  12 million, fighting over 15 murlocs.  More of them will die than the murlocs!

4.  The ones left alive will undoubtedly band together, creating an alliance to get to 'level 90' by taking turns completing these quests.  Eventually they would succeed!  Or so they thought.  Since they need 'Experience' to get to 'level 90' (makes sense, since you need experience making drinks to be a good bartender, or experience fighting to efficiently kill things.  What I don't get is that these 'players' already have '80 levels' of 'experience'.  Ten more doesn't seem like much of a difference.  But it will get them doing my quests, so that is all that matters!), I will make it so they need unbelievable amounts of experience!  Say, oh, I don't know.  Five thousand, ten thousand maybe? (An advisor has informed that this would be a bad idea.  I have of course 'removed' him.  Nobody tells The Lich... er, Fred what to do!)  These quests will 'grant' a mere ONE 'experience'.  As you can see, this will take them QUITE a long time to ever THINK of getting to 'level 90'!

5.  Finally, I will head back to Icecrown.  I will be back in my armor, with Frostmourne in my hand, a ghoul army at my back, astride my Frostwyrm, I will retake my throne!  Then it will be time to relax.  Though I won't have much to do with those pesky 12 million out of the way.  Maybe I WILL start up that Mahjongg tournament KT suggested...  The Horde and the Alliance?  The Argent Crusade?  What do you mean what am I going to do about them?  I've already taken care of the 12 million 'players'!  Now leave me be!  I need to get rid of this tan...

Well, it was quite long but I enjoyed writing it!  Good luck to everyone else!

For my second act of awesomeness, I would challenge Saurfang to a battle of ultimate-ocity of blood and gore of CHESS IN THE MIDDLE OF KARAZHAN! Who would win? Well neither of us, because that jackass Medivh would "cheat" and come out of nowhere and pwn us both. So then me and Saurfang would be resorted to playing checkers on the roof trying to stand Prince Malchazaar yelling "YOU FACE NOT MALCHAZAAR ALONE! BUT THE LEGIONS I COMMAND!" Then I'd take my Frostmourne and shove it in C'thun's eye again, then I'd shove it in Prince Malchazaars eye.

THIRD, which has to be in all caps, I would go to The Frozen Throne and then sit on it. When I am sitting on The Frozen Throne, I will take out a laptop and start playing The Frozen Throne while sitting on The Frozen Throne then play some DoTa. Then as I'm sitting on The Frozen Throne playing The Frozen Throne while playing DoTa I would then shove my Frosmourne in C'thuns eye again. After I am done shoving my Frostmourne in C'thuns eye for the 3rd time, I would go back to playing DoTa within this game of DoTa all I would be doing is spamming the chat with "I'm The Lich King, I spam whenever I want, I don't give a f**k, SPAM!"

For number four I would go to The Dark Portal, then steal it, you may be wondering why I would steal it, but the reason is simple, it's the ultimate flat screen TV that is going on my wall. While I am watching The Dark Portal and whatever is on it, I would then jump into it, within The Dark Portal Live I would find Illidan, res him, kill him loot him, and repeat. Also while I am one man raiding Black Temple I would do Sunwell at the same exact time. I'll shove Kil'Jaeden back into that giant toilet where he belongs. Don't forget about me shoving my Frostmourne into C'thun's eye in the middle of all this.

FIFTHICLES, yes that is a word, I would then go to Darkshore and remove that sword from the Old God theres head. After so his done he will awaken, then I will shove my Frostmourne into  C'thun's eye. After I am done eye shoving with C'thun I would shove my Frostmourne right into the Dark Shore Old God's skull. He will then be like "Wtf mayne, wut I eva do." Then I will be like "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" After those words are said jets will come out my feet and I will fly away. This is exactly what I would do if I forged with Ner'zhul.

DISCLAIMER: This is not a disclaimer, but if you have any problems understanding any of this mumble jumble then please feel free to think deeply about it upon reading it. Thank you for you patients and well understanding that this story has nothing to do with a dancing taco of magicalness.

Oh! Seondly, I'd have to consider my motive, this whole, ending the world thing is getting a little old. Illidan did it, C'Thun did it when we woke him, Onyxia and Deathwing were doing it (In more ways than one?)-- Honestly, I'd want a cooler motive then "LOOK GUYS! I'M GOING TO END THE WORLD NOW K BYE!" Drama queen much? Seriously. Maybe something about the horrible injustice done to me when I was only a Prince. Oooo or maybe something with that blondie, you know her, that Proudmoore girl? What's so Proud about that snooty-snot-nosed-- I digress. Anyway. Yes. Evil villany is cool, but it's ONLY cool when it's got a good reason.

Mmm, thirdly I'd make my harem. If Illidan can have his possy when he's a giant warglaive wilding mo-fo where the fel are mine?! I'm an attractive KING, come on, who can deny the heritage, sleek sexy armor-- ignore the spikes they're for the baddassery in bed. Deliciously evil mastermind seeks several young and attractive women to dote on his every needs, please have hair dye and wrinkle removing secrets. PST. Did I turn my diabolical mastermind plan into a personals add again? Fel-damnit!

Alright, think think. Fourthly, I think I'd crush King Wrynn into my soup. Honestly, don't you think that huge square jaw bone would make a great center piece of the table? And the story would be something to really bounce baby Jimmy on your knee to? Oh yes. Pompous, arrogant, know it all, why my Kingdom is twice as Awesome. That's like-- that's like INFINITY times Jania's little ditch hole Theramore. Who goes there anyway? Oh right, the Alliiance with their little raids on Ogrimarr. PFFFT. King Wrynn! I WILL CRUSH YOU!

Oh yes, right, a fifth thing to do. A Fifth thing. This-- this is tricky. Who really needs anything beyond that? Tier 9, check. Awesome motive, check. Harem, check. CRUSH KING WRYNN, Che--DOUBLE Check! What more could an evil mastermind possibly want? What more could I---... Is that a World of Warcraft book-- ALL about me? Really? And what's that? Curse.com is giving it away? Well then! I know what I would do fifth! I would take my massive scourge army, break your internet and steal your book-- afterall, what's a good mastermind withoug being a narcissist?

First of all, I'd stop with the whole "Ha ha ha, I'm an Evil King and I am going to launch an easy-to-defeat army of undead at the main Horde and Alliance cities in the hopes of luring adventurers into my Citadel!". The person before me, this... Spoiled brat named Arthas... Was way too soft on the living, he needed to be replaced as soon as possible. Why would I need to corrupt adventurers, anyways? I have Frostmourne and the numbers of creatures in my army are immense. Of course that this would be too difficult to change, considering that it already happened.

1: What Arthas had planned was ridiculous and would not have ensured the destruction of life, at all, since if you want to lure people into your domain for fun you -have- to weaken them first. If I would have sent Undead Dragons and all of my undead creatures to assault the capital cities of Azeroth as soon as people were busy battling Illidan and Kil'Jaeden, so by the time they got back to Azeroth they would find out that everything they ever loved has been destroyed and that every little bit of hope for a brighter future has been demolished. Oh, how much would I laugh at their screams for mercy as their cities turn into ashes. But, as I have stated above, that foolish Arthas -once again- made a fatal mistake in not carrying out my plan.

2: Second, if I notice that well-geared people are coming all the way to my Citadel in Northrend in order to challenge me at my Frozen Throne, I would offer The Horde an obviously false reward of salvation from my wrath, but I'd ask them to destroy Valiance Keep and destroy the Alliance Resistance in the Frozen North, forcing them to retreat. Afterwards, the Horde would be slaughtered after Warsong Hold recieves a direct assault from Naxxramas. I could have eliminated both forces quite easily, but ensuring that both factions stop working for a "common goal" makes things easier for me.

3: Oh, let's not forget about the Ebon Hold. I would have placed some sort of binding spell in every single Death Knight, forcing them to do my will or they would be destroyed on the spot. Having almost all of the Death Knights at Ebon Hold suddenly having a change of heart is pathetic, how could the previous Lich King not see it coming or didn't make any kind of plan in case such a thing were to happen? Oh, right, he has been dreaming for over three years. It seems that dreaming didn't make him more intelligent, however, since his plans for global domination are failing miserably. This would be simply addressed by- Who am I kidding? I would assault the Ebon Hold and retake it, since I will be using it for step five.

4: Once the Alliance and the Horde retreat from Northrend, I would set my sight upon the Burning Legion to see if I can prevent them from ever reaching Azeroth, which would technically be on the brink of submitting to my eternal power thanks to the destruction of the capital cities and the undead sieges which happened shortly before. Once the Burning Legion is ensured that they will never reach Azeroth, mostly thanks to me eventually finding a way to seal the Dark Portal once again, The Maelstrom would be my next target... Oh, wait, I seem to be forgetting about the Horde and the Alliance, who are -obviously- attempting to bolster their forces. As for the Burning Legion, I'm quite aware I cannot hold them off from Azeroth forever.

5: I am aware that this final plan is way too long and detailed, but it is made this way to ensure that the chances of the Alliance and the Horde launching a full-scale assault at Icecrown Citadel, which could compromise my safety, are next to null, or so I want to believe.

Both factions are persistent, so there is no doubt that they will attempt to come after me once again. Before they can do that, however, I would re-take the Ebon Hold after slaughtering the traitorous Death Knights and launch a combined assault with Naxxramas to eliminate all kind of resistance that both factions might be working on. Afterwards, the Tainted Soil will begin to spread over Azeroth... Slowly... So that people may succumb to despair. Hope is all lost and people will try to have me save them. I'm -quite- merciful, to say the least, so I would allow them to kindly join my army, all they would have to do is to kill their own children or family, depends on my mood and if the person even has a family left.

Ah, but that's not all, and I decided to post the final step of my plans for global domination, just because I'm highly ambitious and I enjoy long and detailed plans. I would let several members of both factions survive the invasion of Kalimdor and The Eastern Kingdoms, only so that they attempt to challenge me once again so I can greatly enjoy eliminating them. Where's the fun if I suddenly decided to kill all of them, eh? And so, I would rule Azeroth for all Eternity. At least until the Dark Titan and She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (Our lovely Fallen Night Elf who is now a Naga) decide to attempt to take the planet for themselves. Don't worry, though, I am working on several plans to ensure that the planet belongs to me forever... My name shall be spread across the Cosmos. I am the Destroyer of Life, the Consumer of Souls...

I am...

The Lich King. (Insert Creepy Music Here)