Deaf composers and blind writers

(another random rant ahead, this one much more personal and serious, you've been warned)

I just finished reading Brave New World by Huxley. Great book. I've been a huge proponent of the whole "think for yourself" idea in my videos, and I absolutely wish people would follow that in the real world as well. The mechanical mantras so often repeated in Huxley's dis/utopia was downright frightening. Really, there's nothing more frustrating for me than being unable to get through to someone with reason due to being faced with blind devotion to an ideal. Fanaticism of ANY sort scares me.

After reading the book, I read in the afterword that Huxley had issues reading due to his eyesight. The irony of being a very successful writer yet being nearly unable to read is astounding. Of course, Beethoven became deaf, yet continued to compose incredible music. It kind of got me thinking about my own situation, though I'd certainly not put simple video game vids up to par with a classical music genius or a literary mastermind. Still, I think everyone can make a connection like this if they look deep enough.

As I mentioned before here, I've been diagnosed with major depression. For those that haven't had experience with this, let me tell you that it's far, far different than being "down" or "sad". It's laying in bed for weeks, only getting up for a meal a day at most. It's thinking that the best thing for you to do is close your eyes and never wake up. It's feeling physically numb, mentally numb, emotionally numb. It's the incapability to see anything but a vast pit of darkness that you're lost in. It's wanting to feel pain because it's the only thing you damned well CAN feel. There's a million things to do, and a million more to do tomorrow, but you don't do any of them. Why? Because something bad happened? Nope, life is great at the time. And that just makes it worse, because you feel like you're wasting a life that someone else deserves more. You feel horrible because you're not worthy. You're not worth it. This endless disgusting cycle remains unbroken, spiraling you down even deeper than you thought possible until you suddenly laugh and then cry for hours. FINALLY you think that maybe things shouldn't be like this, and maybe you should get help, but it's already destroyed a part of your life you may never get back.

All because a few chemicals in your brain aren't like they should be.

Yet here I am getting e-mails and messages left and right thanking me for inspiring people and making them laugh and be entertained. I've even had a few people say they've even gotten a bit lighter of a view on life itself for one reason or another, and while that wasn't my main purpose, it brings me great joy to hear it.

I've since gotten on medication that has helped more than I can describe in words. I feel like myself again, a real human being. Occasionally when I miss a dose or two I can feel the darkness creeping in, but that just spurs me to get back on track again.

So why am I writing all this here? To emo about it? Well, that's what blogs are for, or so I hear, but there's another purpose. Stay with me here.

"Never give up!" I say that a lot. "Don't blame yourself, but think of what you can fix." "Be a good loser and a good winner, it's the fight that counts." "Have fun with it." "Keep perspective."

Really, these are all things I've learned the very hard way. I seem to have a knack for always needing to learn the hard way. Maybe I'll learn the hard way not to do that. :P

Regardless, these are lessons that extend far beyond a simple video game. "Never give up!" "Don't blame yourself, but think of what you can fix." "Be a good loser and a good winner, it's the fight that counts." "Have fun with it." "Keep perspective." Can you honestly not see situations in your own life where these are applicable? I sure as hell can, and I try to apply them as much as possible.

I've seen the dark side of my own mind. The dark, dark side. I don't ever want to see it again. Now for a fun question. Would I change it if I could? Never go through all that?

Hell no.

I am who I am because of what I've been through and what I've learned from it. Life has peaks and valleys. The lower the valleys, the higher the mountains seem. I think I can honestly enjoy happiness more and truly appreciate what I've been given because of what I've went through.

Some people say "God works in mysterious ways." Others say "Everything happens for a reason." I'm not so convinced on either. My own philosophy on this is that bad stuff just happens. There's no getting around it. It's what you do with it that counts. When I dropped out of college due to depression and recovered a bit afterwards, I ended up taking a job at Vicarious Visions. That job lasted two years, and was an incredible experience that basically set me up in the industry for life (or so I hope). Then they told me I couldn't have a full time job without a full degree, and I was pretty crushed by that. Did I give up? Not a chance. Instead, I'm taking the opportunity to move out west into a climate that isn't negative 398423 and covered in snow, working my way out to my eventual goal after I graduate: California and Blizzard itself.

Even if I don't end up where I'm aiming right now, I'm 100% confident that I'll be happy wherever I end up in one way or another. I'm fully expecting bad things to happen in the future, but I'm also fully expecting good things to happen too that arise from opportunities created from the very things I deemed "bad'. I may have gone through mental hell and back, but that created an opportunity to work for the gaming industry. I took it, and looking back I'm happy I did.

Everything both good and bad creates new opportunities. Don't mope about a bad situation. See what opportunities have arisen for you and take them!